Steady Love.

(from February 14, 2022)

When I was a kid, my Dad would wedge a heart-shaped box of conversation heart candies under my pillow on Valentine’s day when he went off to work. I remember one year I woke up too early, eager to “find” it, but it wasn’t there yet. I was nervous that I would somehow break the spell if he knew I was awake, so I pretended to be asleep when he came in and snuck it under my pillow.

Since then, I haven’t thought too much about Valentine’s day other than most years I would purchase the same kind of candy for my kids–you know, the little chalky, sugary hearts that say something like “Be Mine” or “Call Me” or what not. Doug and I really were never into celebrating this day. Instead, we always make space, time, and a little investment for enjoying our anniversary because, really, taking two very distinct individuals and making them one in both theory and practicality and living it out in daily life is something worth celebrating.

This weekend, our daughter Anne had us listen to Ben Rector‘s newest releases, one of which is called “Steady Love.” While we were soaking up the lyrics, Doug reached over and squeezed my hand when the song came to this:

“І wаѕ ѕtаrіng аt а рhоtоgrарh
Мuѕt hаvе bееn fіftееn уеаrѕ bасk
Саn’t bеlіеvе wе drеѕѕеd lіkе thаt
Fееlѕ lіkе уеѕtеrdау
Funnу hоw wе uѕеd tо аll рrеtеnd
Wе’d nеvеr bесоmе оur раrеnt’ѕ frіеndѕ
Вut ѕеаѕоnѕ сhаngе аnd ѕummеr еndѕ
Іt јuѕt fаdеѕ аwау
Yеаh уоu саn’t ѕtау уоung fоrеvеr
Yоu саn’t kеер frоm grоwіng uр
Вut whеn уоur hеаrt gеtѕ tіrеd оf lіvіng оn thе run
Му Gоd уоu ѕhоuld fіnd уоu ѕоmе
Ѕtеаdу lоvе…”

I squeezed back. “Yeah”, I thought, “This speaks truth.”
Steady love is often underrated in the young. I know; I was young once…not so much anymore. I have wrinkles and gray hairs and sun spots. I ache if I sleep funny and need to stretch my muscles in the morning. Still, I have learned some things about love, having lived 26+ years married to Doug and encountering many things in life that I never imagined we would go through when I exclaimed, “YES!” to his “Will you marry me?”

Ann Voskamp posted some incredible words that I resonated with on Instagram. Concerning Valentine’s Day and her husband, she said,
“I am far worse than I have ever dreamed. And yet you have loved me beyond what I could ever dream.

You have lived Gospel to me.

The only ones who get to escape the doom of the star-crossed lovers are the Cross-formed lovers. The promise of the vows is to keep finding a way to fall in love with the new stranger you’ve been married to–so they feel the intimacy of an old & known love everyday.”

She also said this:
“The love you’re looking for
is found in the last place you’d look:
in the valleys,
& in the pits,
& when everything else gives way
–& one person reaches out & gives you their hand.”

But I also need to say this. No one person can live up to what you need to fill all your love. Only Jesus can. I learned this a number years after saying my vows. That being said, I borrow and make my own what was part of the vows two people I care about said at their wedding a few years back: You, Doug Vanderwell, have been Divine help to me in a form I can understand. You are a tangible expression of Jesus’ love in my everyday, messy life. I am thankful God made you a persistant man, a man who did not give up on me back in our early twenties or in our thirties and forties. I understand far more about Jesus’ love because of you.