My cat seems stuck.
Each day, for about 2 hours before the automatic feeder goes off, she heads to the freezer where she perches herself at the perfect vantage point to see when the little machine releases her lunch or dinner. There she watches and waits. FOR 2 HOURS. Twice a day.
I have tried to get her to move. I’ll lure her with a toy, pick her up, scratch her ears or chin, or call to her to come out to the beloved front porch where she gets fresh air and is enamored with passersby. These tactics may work for a brief moment or two, but quickly she returns to her obsessive staring at the feeder.
“Listen, Kitty,” I implore. “The food will come. It comes every day at the same time. It is a faithful little machine. You will be fed! Get on with living life until then. You are wasting time–nothing you do will make your food come any sooner.”
Yet still, she sits.
If you know me and my brain, I can’t help but mull this over. Lately, I am behaving a lot like Kitty (yes, that is her name. Creative, right?).
This past November, I was praying about a possible change in a role of ministry that I had been a part of for over 20 years. A few days after asking Him for wisdom, He told me the answer was no, and I needed to follow up with another aspect I had been putting off for awhile. Later, He again answered my prayer for discernment. It happened while I was singing–worshipping Him in church–when He was clear as could be in my thoughts. I am preparing you to let go of this ministry.
In shock, tears fell.
This ministry has deeply impacted my life. It helped me apply the Bible to my life. It gave me deep friendships with other women. It was a tool God used to grow leadership skills in me. It was a source of difficult work and abundant joy. It helped me try new ways to pray and meet other Christians from around the world.
“But God,” I lamented, “This place is where I hear you most often!”
You hear me in other places and ways too, He answered.
I debated, “But God, this is where I feel that my gifts and skills are so well used!”
And I will use you again in other ways, He reassured.
Shortly after that, a position opened up in a different ministry that God seemed to place in my lap. It happens on Mondays. When I prepare for it, God seems to pour out what I need. The work for it doesn’t take too long. The previous role I had was a 20-25 hour a week position, so I still have time open.
Out of this extra space, with the encouragement of my husband, I started this blog. I missed writing–something I needed to do in my other role. Maybe this was a way to use those skills.
In the months that followed, my dad died. Extra time by his side, wisdom on how to spend what would be his last hour on earth with him, and the words to say in his obituary and at his memorial service came out of this open space. Here, too, I experienced God giving me what I need.
Yet lately, I am fixated on trying to discern what God has for me next. I am worried I’ll miss it. All too often I get stuck in my head wondering if I am hearing God less, if I am losing joy, if I am in the wrong place, if I will ever feel as abundantly fruitful as I did before. Will God keep feeding me? Will He keep providing what I need? I realized I am staring at all my doubts and questions and worried God won’t be as faithful now as He was before.
I am not very different from Kitty.
Yesterday, I tackled my garden. I spent roughly 4 hours taking down dead stalks, raking up decaying leaves, pulling out early weeds, and noticing new growth from perennials waking up from winter and peeking out of the dirt. While chucking piles of debris out on the sidewalk to scoop up later, I met neighbors walking by.
“Sorry about the obstacle course!” I said.
“No problem! I’ve admired your flowers before. It’s nice to put a face with the yard!” One woman replied.
Breathing in fresh air, taking care of soil and plants, talking with passersby, having dirt under my fingernails instead of a screen in my hands, I contemplate. I haven’t had time to do this sort of spring work in years. Could this be part of the gift God is giving me in this space and time?
Then today, at church, as our pastor invited us to the Lord’s supper, she said something about coming to the table whether you feel like you’ve done enough for God or not, because it’s not about that. It’s all about His grace. Come and be fed, she implored.
Yes, please.
Help me, Lord, to trust your faithfulness, your work, your spiritual feeding, your love for me. Help me to fully live in the time you have given me now as I continue to watch and wait, not perseverating or missing out on what you have already given, but tasting and seeing that You are good.
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